Beginning of the school year

It’s easy around the beginning of the school year to get busy and let your faith slip (at least it is with me.. I like to keep busy). I tend to ignore the things I know take a lot of effort and accomplish the easy simple tasks first and often (kind of what I’m doing right now… pshhh acc 440 Homework??!?). 

But, faith is something that I can’t keep forgetting about, or push away because it is more difficult than mindlessly cleaning the kitchen sink or writing a simple paper. Jesus Christ is my life, my purpose for living, He is the way and the truth. I’m challenging myself to put more effort into my relationship with our Lord, and challenge my faith in ways I haven’t been before. You’re either growing or shrinking in your relationship with God, and I never want to be shrinking.

 

 

Love and Peace to you all!

 

Saskia

It’s official!

I picked a day – for my confirmation that is. It’s been a long time coming, joining the Catholic Church (4 years!!) but I’m glad I did take a while to officially make this decision.

Now, I’m extremely excited… But with this excitement came a whole new batch of worries. Trying to pick a saint being one of them, and just general nervousness.

Prayers as I continue on this journey would be really appreciated

Love and peace!
Saskia

God’s Works

Wow, what a broad title.

There’s no way I can truly summarize the way God is working in my life… Because, honestly I’m not aware of it all. But I do know every day is a precious gift from him, and being around one more day means my purpose on this world is not over.

So for the next few blog posts I’ll go into some detail about a few amazing things that I’ve seen God do in my life.

On Monday last week, I was having a really bad day. I was sad over a boy, I was sad over my life, I was anxious, worried and just couldn’t find relief. I ended up sitting down and doing something I fairly new to me (just starting this summer). I gave my worries to God. I talked to him about it all. What I was worried about, why, who was bothering me, what I desired. I then called my mother. Little background: my mother is secular, she is from the Netherlands, very liberal, and HATES the Catholic Church. As I’m talking to her about this boy, and a situation I had with him and his new girlfriend, I started telling her advice I was given by the Newman Center’s wonderful nun: Sister Mary Eileen. My mom then just goes “I would like to hug her”. Wow. I ended up asking her what she meant, and it lead into the fact that my mother would possibly like to meet her some time. Another little piece of background: I’ve been praying all summer for my mother’s conversion.

This really was a gift from God. It may seem tiny, and not that great… But my mother hasn’t agreed to go to church with me ever. Last time she went to church besides funerals was my baptism when I was 5. So this small little give felt like the biggest present.

God not only is working on her soul, but I believe that was a way of him letting me know that he truly is here for me, loves me, and has a plan. Even though at the time I felt very alone and lost. After I had this conversation on the phone with my mom I felt an overwhelming amount of peace and security knowing my Lord is in control.

Please pray for my mother’s conversion.

Much peace,
Saskia

A little (HA!) reading

I’ve been reading almost obsessively this summer. I haven’t shared this, but during this summer I had ankle surgery, this caused me to halt my normally extremely active lifestyle, and learn to be more reliant on others around me. Which was humbling. Anyway, I started reading. I’ve always been a book worm, but in college I lost the passion and time for it. I was able to pick it back up when I was out of commission. I have been reading the bible, and also reading a lot of Catholic blogs and articles. 

 

One theme I keep seeing that really strikes me is this: Say Yes” to God

What does that mean? Well to me right now, that means saying “yes” to me being single, being lonely, growing in myself, growing in my faith, meeting new people, joining MEO at ASU, using the talents I was blessed with and really dedicating myself to riding and my horse, taking classes at UMary, volunteering again, going on all those dates I’m asked on… even if I’m scared, spending time in front of the Blessed Sacrament, going to daily mass a few times a week, feeling my emotions but not letting them over run me, going to all the doctor’s visits I have been putting off, asking my friends to come to mass with me, putting my riding first, saying the rosary daily, journaling, meeting with Sister Mary, going to therapy, going to physical therapy, putting my whole effort into my school work, giving love to those around me no matter how hurt I am or how badly they have hurt me, giving all myself to all my jobs and responsibilities, responsibly discerning my vocation, and so many more things.

 

That’s a lot. Imagine what else is in there if I threw in a boyfriend. HA! Right now, I’m not sure I would have time for one. Which leads me to this: Why pine over something I wouldn’t even have time over? or am possibly not ready for? I would rather focus my life on God, and pleasing him. 

Backing up, all of the things I’m saying yes to… that’s a lot. It didn’t all come at once either. This summer though weird (see previous post), has also lead me to such blessings, comfort, and realizations. I can trace this all back to one thing: the growth of my relationship with The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. My relationship will need to continue to develop and grow. All relationships take work. This one is no different. What is different about this one is amazing though: I am able to have a relationship with the creator of Heaven and Earth, my creator, GOD! He loves me (and you!) more than anything we can possibly imagine, and if I am able to put so much effort and time into people and relationships I can tangibly understand and feel the love for… then I must put in the time for the relationship with God. 

 

Peace and Love,

Saskia

Flood

Today has been strange. Correction: this summer has been strange.

It’s all boiling over right now as I sit here in my living room of my new apartment. With my new TV, my nice bed, nice pictures, fancy laptop, and everything I thought I wanted. Truth is, I don’t want any of this.

This summer I had my heart broken by a man that had broken my heart numerous times before. This time burned deeper than anytime previously, and still tugs at me daily. This was honestly the man I thought I would marry. I haven’t felt anything close to what I felt for him for anyone else in my life, and in the sadness and anxiety I struggle with, I often feel like I will never feel for anyone else.

There are a lot of things I feel towards him, feel towards his new girlfriend, feel towards myself, my life, and God. Some are good and some are bad. I often ask myself “what could she give that I couldn’t?”, “what is wrong with me?”, “why am I not enough”, “why can I not move on?”, “Why can I not love someone else?”. I’m struggling to find the ability to stop grieving over someone I essentially lost three years ago, though it feels like yesterday, and though we talked about still loving each other… clearly he doesn’t, or doesn’t anymore. I’m struggling to see how my vocation of marriage will be without him, that there will be someone else. I’m struggling to see my worth, and how anyone could love me. I’m struggling to “measure up” to those around me when I truly feel inadequate. I’m struggling to see how or where I will find someone else as good, and I feel like I blew my shot, but without actually knowing at all what I did. I’m struggling to see why he doesn’t want me, and how I could have done things differently. Don’t get me wrong, I know these are crazy, I know these are foolish statements, but it’s that fear, that devil that cracked between my ribs and slipped by my heart that has lead me here. Lead me to be so afraid. Each day is a struggle to keep my chin up.

Maybe this is my cross to bear, or maybe it will be more than these almost 3 years since my heart was first punctured by this pain for my heart to be whole and ready to love again. Maybe both.

So, even though I am often over run with such negative, overwhelming thoughts and ideas, I wish to share the positives I have taken out of my summer, this heart break, and so many other events.

 

  • There will always be people in the world to help you

  • I have been taught what kind of love I deserve

  • My Faith has grown leaps and bounds – I pray the rosary multiple times a week, when before I hadn’t prayed it once. I am on track to having my first communion, confirmation and confession this fall semester
  • I have made many new friends who are strong in their Faith
  • I learned how strong I can be, even when my worst fears are coming true
  • I have uncovered truths about myself that I never would have if this would have never happened
  • God and The Church, are slowly becoming the center of my life, (yes I fail sometimes… we are all sinners, and all human)
  • I have learned, that no matter what, God is by my side, through all of this, all of my pain, all of my suffering
  • Immense Grace comes from the worst suffering
  • You are always able to receive Grace from God
  • Let Love (Charity) guide whatever I do
  • The only place I will be able to find true happiness is within Christ, God, The Catholic Church and my Faith.
  • Serve God every day throughout all my actions
  • My relationship with God has grown exponentially 

 

 

Small update

I know it’s been a long while, a lot is going on in my life. Well.. A lot has happened. Right now it’s way too late to talk about it, and it’s going to take me a long time to put it all into a coherent story. But I will do it. I promise. This has been a very literal roller coaster of emotions the last few months. But, we can do anything with God.

On another amazing note, I’m restarting RCIA again tomorrow. This day has been a long time coming and I can not wait to now continue my journey. Please pray for me as I go along this path and grow deeper with God and officially “Come Home”.

Much Peace and Love,
Saskia

What feels good… And what is right.

I’ve spent the last few days closely with someone I’ve loved for many years. We are both closely examining how we feel about each other, and it’s coming down to some of the hardest questions, but the hardest of all being: is this what God wants for us?

That’s a scary question for a lot of reasons.

1) because we both love each other very much
2) because what if being with each other isn’t what God wants?

That’s scary. But what it comes down to in my heart of hearts, is that I know God has a perfect plan for me, and that plan is more perfect than anyone I could imagine or think up. So I need to follow whatever he tells me to do.

I guess now what scares me is waiting and listening to God. I’ve never consulted him on decisions like this before in such immense dedication, and it’s nerve racking. I’m meeting with a sister from the campus Newman center tomorrow to better discuss things. Hopefully she can help direct me.

Pray for me as I discern this relationship.

Much love and peace,

Saskia

God’s workings

I have had a very strange few weeks. I had been struggling with my faith these last few weeks, due to choices I had made, and some nagging depression. I ended up missing bible study one week from being sick, and just falling into a slump that is pretty easy for me. Because of losing touch with my faith for a good chunk of time, I become a little overly desperate for attention from the opposite sex, wanting to be loved, and wanting to love them back. It doesn’t work that way though, and never has for me. It still didn’t stop me from trying, and before making a big decision, I stopped and asked God to give me a sign if this wasn’t the way he wanted me to proceed. Two days later, I received some wonderful news, and something I had been praying on for almost a year now. That was amazing to receive, and I truly believe it was a sign. As everyone knows (and yet we so often forget) God has perfect timing, a perfect plan for us. So I need to stop being so desperate and needing love from others, and be sure in the love that God gives me is enough. I don’t need anything else, he has a plan for me and everything I go through is for a reason.

With that being said, I hope everyone is having a good week.

Much peace and love,

Saskia

Late night thoughts

I used to spend a lot of time worrying and thinking and planning my life. Now, I still think a lot, and I get really nervous (like grades and interviews and interaction with new people and exams!!) but I’m not focused on the future.. Trying to change it, manipulate it, make it the way I want or need it. This was actually an accident, but I believe I have given my life pretty openly into God’s hands. It ended with a break up, and realizing that my life really didn’t need to be so planned out, and I just started living. Then my passion for Christ grew, and here I am. I’ve taken big steps in doing what Christ wants from me (some of it hard… Some of it very easy). I still struggle with it pretty regularly (IE: daily) but, it’s become less of a deviating issue in my life.

More so I suppose the biggest change I’ve had is the way I view relationships, and healing from many broken ones I’ve been in. I’m not ready for anything new by all means. But I know I don’t need to be searching, I don’t need to be looking, I don’t need to be with someone. I’m finding comfort in myself, peers, and of course, God. When the time comes I’ll be ready to open my heart to someone new, (or maybe someone I’ve known for a while) and I know it will be okay. There is a plan for me, and after a lot of prayer I do believe that is marriage. But until I am prepared for a relationship I plan to strengthen my friendships with those holy people around me, and those that lift me up not bring me down. Grow closer with my parents, dedicate myself to my school work, jobs, health, and passion (riding). Of course all while growing spiritually and continuing to put my faith and life in God’s plan for me.

It’s a relief to not be constantly worried about making decisions, and focusing on who I should be in a relationship with. It’s been one of the most freeing experiences, and I struggle with wanting to received and share love and attention with someone like I see others doing. But with prayer and great friends and guides I continue to power through all that jealously crud

Anyway, time for bed for me!

Much peace and love.