Small update

I know it’s been a long while, a lot is going on in my life. Well.. A lot has happened. Right now it’s way too late to talk about it, and it’s going to take me a long time to put it all into a coherent story. But I will do it. I promise. This has been a very literal roller coaster of emotions the last few months. But, we can do anything with God.

On another amazing note, I’m restarting RCIA again tomorrow. This day has been a long time coming and I can not wait to now continue my journey. Please pray for me as I go along this path and grow deeper with God and officially “Come Home”.

Much Peace and Love,
Saskia

What feels good… And what is right.

I’ve spent the last few days closely with someone I’ve loved for many years. We are both closely examining how we feel about each other, and it’s coming down to some of the hardest questions, but the hardest of all being: is this what God wants for us?

That’s a scary question for a lot of reasons.

1) because we both love each other very much
2) because what if being with each other isn’t what God wants?

That’s scary. But what it comes down to in my heart of hearts, is that I know God has a perfect plan for me, and that plan is more perfect than anyone I could imagine or think up. So I need to follow whatever he tells me to do.

I guess now what scares me is waiting and listening to God. I’ve never consulted him on decisions like this before in such immense dedication, and it’s nerve racking. I’m meeting with a sister from the campus Newman center tomorrow to better discuss things. Hopefully she can help direct me.

Pray for me as I discern this relationship.

Much love and peace,

Saskia

God’s workings

I have had a very strange few weeks. I had been struggling with my faith these last few weeks, due to choices I had made, and some nagging depression. I ended up missing bible study one week from being sick, and just falling into a slump that is pretty easy for me. Because of losing touch with my faith for a good chunk of time, I become a little overly desperate for attention from the opposite sex, wanting to be loved, and wanting to love them back. It doesn’t work that way though, and never has for me. It still didn’t stop me from trying, and before making a big decision, I stopped and asked God to give me a sign if this wasn’t the way he wanted me to proceed. Two days later, I received some wonderful news, and something I had been praying on for almost a year now. That was amazing to receive, and I truly believe it was a sign. As everyone knows (and yet we so often forget) God has perfect timing, a perfect plan for us. So I need to stop being so desperate and needing love from others, and be sure in the love that God gives me is enough. I don’t need anything else, he has a plan for me and everything I go through is for a reason.

With that being said, I hope everyone is having a good week.

Much peace and love,

Saskia

Late night thoughts

I used to spend a lot of time worrying and thinking and planning my life. Now, I still think a lot, and I get really nervous (like grades and interviews and interaction with new people and exams!!) but I’m not focused on the future.. Trying to change it, manipulate it, make it the way I want or need it. This was actually an accident, but I believe I have given my life pretty openly into God’s hands. It ended with a break up, and realizing that my life really didn’t need to be so planned out, and I just started living. Then my passion for Christ grew, and here I am. I’ve taken big steps in doing what Christ wants from me (some of it hard… Some of it very easy). I still struggle with it pretty regularly (IE: daily) but, it’s become less of a deviating issue in my life.

More so I suppose the biggest change I’ve had is the way I view relationships, and healing from many broken ones I’ve been in. I’m not ready for anything new by all means. But I know I don’t need to be searching, I don’t need to be looking, I don’t need to be with someone. I’m finding comfort in myself, peers, and of course, God. When the time comes I’ll be ready to open my heart to someone new, (or maybe someone I’ve known for a while) and I know it will be okay. There is a plan for me, and after a lot of prayer I do believe that is marriage. But until I am prepared for a relationship I plan to strengthen my friendships with those holy people around me, and those that lift me up not bring me down. Grow closer with my parents, dedicate myself to my school work, jobs, health, and passion (riding). Of course all while growing spiritually and continuing to put my faith and life in God’s plan for me.

It’s a relief to not be constantly worried about making decisions, and focusing on who I should be in a relationship with. It’s been one of the most freeing experiences, and I struggle with wanting to received and share love and attention with someone like I see others doing. But with prayer and great friends and guides I continue to power through all that jealously crud

Anyway, time for bed for me!

Much peace and love.

Growing wall

Here’s a look at my growing wall, I’m enjoying this, but sad that I will have to be taking this down in only 2 months. But I do plan to put it up again somewhere in my new apartment. I just added a new section of scripture, and my lent additions and the thing I’m giving up!!

Anyway, here you go:

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The whole idea of dating

The Newman Center is something I’ve been increasingly trying to get involved with. It started out freshman year when someone I knew brought me to an event. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved it. But at the time it neither fit my lifestyle, ideals, or friends. Deep down I always had a calling though, and that’s what ended up pulling me back I think, besides my friend Ash being extremely involved with the center and MEO.

Recently Saint Paul’s Outreach (SPO) put on an event for ASU students. This event has completely changed my view on dating, relationships, what I’m looking for in a partner and my own actions.

Needless to say if you have a chance to go listen to the talk “The New Rules For Sex Love and Dating” it have me a lot of good insight and actually introduced me to the great idea of taking a year off dating. Which I firmly plan to do, so I can focus on myself, my growth, and my relationship with God.

Dating to me has never really been defined, and I managed to stumble into a great man for my first serious relationship then progressively worse boys. (Yes I did use the words “Man” and “Boys” for a reason). I realized after this series of talks by SPO that I had been going about finding a relationship and dating completly wrong, and I was attracting the wrong matches for me for a reason – I was desperate to be loved and loved in return. Yet anyone I attracted never met my standards, and I could never find it possible to truly love them in the way they deserved. These relationships and flings have led me to many regrets, many lonely nights, and months of pain and trying to figure out what’s wrong with me or them.

Taking some time off (no matter how much that time is, as long as I come back secure with myself, my expectations and my relationship with God), seems to be the best option. And though it’s almost been a year since my last serious relationship, this is the first time that I’m saying “no” to guys and instead of viewing them as potential boyfriends, viewing them as potential friends.

And that in it’s self is amazing to me. I have never gone into meeting a guy with the idea of “legs be friends” without the fading thoughts of “may we can date” clouding that.

So, wish me luck!

Much love and peace,

Saskia

Relationships and Dating (right now for me)

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not anywhere ready for a relationship anytime soon. I don’t know when I will be either.

I always get a pulling that says “oh this guy is cute” but even if I DO like them, it just doesn’t feel right.

This could be for any number of reasons: I have a huge requirement list for a future boyfriend, I’m still caught up on a boy who broke my heart, or (which honestly is the most important) God’s plan for my life right now does not include a boyfriend. It’s a terrifying and yet so wonderful thing to realize that my life, is not dedicated to me, not for me to decide the direction. My life is in God’s hands, and I plan to live my life for him. I’m no Saint, but I plan to live my life in the way The Lord has planned it.

Right now my heart and mind are unavailable. This has been a personal struggle for a long time, but I’m learning day by day that time heals all wounds, and my soul and life is in God’s hands and I will be safe.

“When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul”

It is well with my soul, I pray you all are doing marvelously and midterms aren’t hitting you too hard.

Much peace and love,

Saskia