The semester ends

I honestly can’t remember the last time I posted. I thought about it sure,  but I also said I didn’t have enough time – and maybe I didn’t. 

It hasn’t been any easy 14 weeks. Actually it’s been really horribly tough. I’ve struggled with pain, stress, anxiety, and my faith. I’ve also been blessed with many things. 

My future isn’t sure right now, a lot rests on my final exam grades. I’m notoriously bad with finals. Im scared. Im terrified. I’ve long ago learned that fear comes from nothing good, the dehabiliting fear at least.

I’m scared for what it means if I don’t get the good enough grades I need, or what happens if I don’t get into grad school, where my boyfriend and I are headed, my whole future. 

It’s hard to take a step back and give God it all, trust him. I’m so scared of messing it all up. So scared of failing. 
But, it’s all I can do, and my best option. God, you are my everything, heal my hurt, heal my soul, make me better, help me be better. I trust in your plan, and what you will do with every choice I make, even if I mess it up. 

He has not forgotten you

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

-1 Corinthians 10:13

As a young adult, or an adult in general. We face a wide variety of temptations from around us, and especially once you enter into a relationship, and a holy one at that. My boyfriend is an ex-seminarian, it was important to him and me to have a very holy relationship, and courtship. Well, there’s nothing the devil likes more than to enter into that. There have been temptations flooding in. Yet, no matter the temptation, there has been a way to resist, a way to endure, stay steadfast in our beliefs. I would have to say that’s a grace from God, and a wonder part of this relationship. No matter what I know I can rely on my loving boyfriend to support me, and God’s love and mercy to get me through.

Love and peace,
Saskia

Afraid

fear not, for I am with you,
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

– Isaiah 41:10

It’s easy to fall into traps, especially those of fear. I’ve always been a worrier, maybe I learned it, maybe I’m just prone to it. Well I’ve been worrying a lot lately, been very scared lately. Why? Because God opened up some very big doors in my life.

I found out I could graduate this next semester if I dropped my dual. Grad school was almost a guarantee with scholarships. I have a solid internship with a possible job offer after graduation. A possibility of my mother’s house becoming mine as she heads home, after I finish grad school. My current boyfriend is about to apply to police academies, and will take the job and prolong his final semester of school if he gets an offer.

Things are opening up… Big things. I think that’s what’s so scary. At first I was really excited. Then a few weeks later worry started creeping in, and for a while I was in full panic mode.

Why? because what if my boyfriend and I break up? What if I’m being crazy, what if I don’t get a job offer, what if, what if, what if.

Today (after lots of prayer, don’t forget that) realized something. God gave me these opportunities, I need to trust Him. I may not end up with my current boyfriend, I may not end up with the job I think I want. But that’s because there is something else. I need to put my faith in God, His will not mine.

I ask God for things all the time, but yet fail to put my trust in Him when he comes to ask me to do things. How can I become a Saint and ask for great responsibility, if I can’t even begin to trust Him?

After you have made a decision that is pleasing to God, the devil may try to make you have second thoughts. Intensify your prayer time, meditation, and good deeds. For if satan’s temptations merely cause you to increase your efforts to grow in holiness, he’ll have an incentive to leave you alone.

– St. Ignatius of Loyola

So here’s to taking big steps in my life, trusting God, and putting His will before mine.

Peace and Love,
Saskia

“Now”

Being present in today, or even the current week has always been a struggle for me. I enjoy allowing my mind to wander, planning the future.

Now, Many could say, “What’s the problem with that?”. I’ve finally learned the answer to that.

God’s plan and our plan are often not the same thing.

This isn’t a problem if you’re open to God’s will, and strive to desire His plan. If you are focused too much on your plan though, then you ruin into trouble. I’ve spent a lot of my life planning too far into the future, and ending up frustrated and discouraged when life didn’t turn out the way I desired. That’s why I’ve vowed to focus more on today, or “now”. I want to live more in the moment, and not to avoid responsibilities or growing up, I want to do this so I stop focusing on what want, and more on what God desires for me.

When things get busy…

It’s even more important to take time for God.

I’ve heard this a million times, and now know it’s true.

Quick update:

1) I’m in the Netherlands for quite an adventure

2) I’m now confirmed, have had my first communion and an official member of the Catholic Church

3) God has worked in a lot of beautiful ways, and brought me and a holy man together

4) through some interesting circumstances I may now be graduating this spring

One last thing:

I ask everyone that may ever stumble upon this to please pray for the Netherlands and their renewed faith, and conversion. I also ask you pray for the special intentions of all my sisters in Mu Epsilon Theta.

God bless you!

Saskia

Response to “A letter to those we once loved”

I’ll leave it short and sweet: you never stop loving someone (in my experience). This is okay. This tender, beautiful thing, is exactly how we should be. Loving our brothers and sisters in Christ.

Yes, this is a different type of love than we shared before, and often times a silent love, but no matter what happened, no matter the pain being experienced, we should always pray for those we have loved, and continue to love, and continue to love them in a selfless way that God called us to live through.

Worth

A lot of times I feel like I am not enough. Not important, or good enough.

That I won’t have the skills to be a good mother or wife or girlfriend or to exist in the world.

God gives us the grace we need to accomplish the missions we are here to complete – honoring God, doing good deeds, fulfilling our vocation

Ultimately, You and I have no need to fear

Do not fear, just believe

– LK8:50

Today was a struggle – everything hurt, I felt very lonely for the first time in a long time, and was unfocused and disappointed in myself. God was constantly On my mind though. I was reaching out for help daily.

Even through these now rare (thank goodness) tough days, I find myself called to God, called to Him to be comforted. Called to Him to be loved. He never disappoints in this way.

A new chapter

It may have taken me over 4 months to get here, courage and preparedness, but I made it. Thank the Lord for this doctor that shares the same beliefs as I, and has walked with me step by step, even when I didn’t see the Lord, or the prize at the end.

Pray for me as I go through this journey and this transition.

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I’ve written that beautiful quote by Blessed Chiara Badano, to remember that though this may be difficult, it’s the path God wants me on, and that all of this is for Jesus,

Peace and Charity,
Saskia